Wrestling God

On the way to the doctor's with Alegria that Monday afternoon, I was listening to a brand new playlist on my blackberry which I had literally created moments before walking out the door.  It had some secular music and some Christian music.  I don't honestly remember any of the songs playing other than the songs from Switchfoot which my husband had recently downloaded.

There were 4 there, and I remember that I kept replaying them.  As I was trying to recall the details of what triggered the thoughts on the drive, I remembered there was one song that really touched me, but I couldn't really remember which one of the four it was. So last week for the first time I played the playlist again.  As soon as I heard the chords to "This is Home"  I knew that was the one.  Here are the lyrics...

~~~~~~~~~
I've got my memories
Always
Inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe you now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I've never known

Chorus:
This is home
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back

Back to how it was
And I got my heart
Set on
What happens next
I got my eyes wide
It's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone

(Chorus)

And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I'm gonna call it home

(Chorus)

Now I know
Yeah, this is home

I've come too far
And I won't go back
Yeah, this is home

~~~~~~~~~

I remembered on the drive I was thinking about all the painful experiences I had faced in my life and in our marriage.  My mind focused on a few of the worst of them that had caused me so much pain, and suddenly I understood that even these were meant for MY good and God's glory.

There was much more that filled my thoughts on that 45 minute drive.  I wish I could remember it all, but most of it is pretty hazy. 

I can only describe it as a wrestling with God.  I understood in a new light the path He had brought me on thus far, and I asked him to continue drawing me, my husband, and my family closer to him- no matter the cost, and at the same time feared what it all might mean.

I praise God that once again that in His grace and mercy He was beginning to prepare me for what we were about to face and reminding me yet again that even the most painful valleys He has taken me through have always been for my good.