Missing Ali

Yesterday I cleaned out Ali's crib.  I didn't really think it through before I started.  I just knew my bedroom needed cleaned up and Ali's crib was full because as we had been straigtening up after she died, a lot of her things just got put in her crib. 

Both the babies always slept in our bedroom.  Ariel slept in a cradle and Ali slept in the crib.  This month we had been planning to move a second crib into the bedroom because Ariel was quickly outgrowing the cradle.  After Ali died, Al and I talked and agreed Ariel would just move into Ali's crib instead.  So Wednesday I bought Ariel's new crib mattress and yesterday it just made logical sense to clean the crib.

I didn't think much about the emotional side of it before starting.  Many of Ali's favorite toys were in the crib where she would often play when she would wake in the middle of the night.  Her bee and giraffe crib toys that she would pull over and over again to hear them vibrate.  Her favorite cloth book whose pages made a crinkle sound when she would put them in her mouth.  Many of her feeding supplies were there too, but they weren't quite as emotional as the toys.  The gifts from the hospital, her footprints and handprints.  Oh how I miss the sweet little hands, so long and so petite.

As I was cleaning trying to envision how our room would look now, where should I put the furniture etc, struggling with my own emotions, I wondered was AL ready for all this.  I mean we had talked and agreed that Ariel would move into Ali's crib, but now? 

I didn't end up finishing the bedroom last night. It was harder than I expected.

Yesterday was just a harder day for both Al and me.  Grief isn't simple.  It comes in waves, often when we are unprepared for it.  But still I am thankful for a gracious God who comforts us in our mourning.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us! It is such a blessing!!

Jill