I've got this...

Or maybe not.

The week of the funeral was hard, but there was so many things to keep me busy.  I expected to crash HARD  on Wednesday after the funeral or maybe on Friday when Al went back to work, but I didn't.  It was painful, but not a consuming pain.  I didn't have a meltdown or a day filled with nothing but sobbing and tears.  Life continued on even though I missed my sweet Ali.

The second week after Ali died I continued to stay very busy.  Working inside and outside the house.  Enjoying the beautiful sunshine and accomplishing so many things which had been neglected.  Yet I grew very restless at times and often scatterbrained, but still it seemed that I was managing alright.

People kept asking how I was doing... Good, alright, hanging in there... I wasn't really sure what to say.  I thought it was sweet that everyone kept thinking about us and asking how we were doing, but I also thought "I've got this, I can handle this grief"...

Well I realized I was wrong.  I can't handle this grief on my own.  It is only by God's grace I am not consumed and I so thankful His mercies are new each and every morning!

This grief, this mourning actually seems to keep getting harder as time passes.  Honestly I think I am still in shock.  I don't think my mind has been able to truly grasp that Ali is gone from this earth and I will never again see her in this life.  It's just too painful.

Since Ali died, I haven't been able to remember her very well.  I look at the still pictures and they remind me of things about her, but I just couldn't remember HER.  I think I had put up a wall and subconsciously and couldn't go there no matter how hard I consciously tried.  As much as I wanted to remember, it was just too painful and I honestly really wanted to avoid the pain.  On a drive in the van on Saturday, I was thinking about how the children used to run to my bedroom in the morning when they would hear the pocket door slide, everyone begging to be the first one to hold Ali or Ariel.... And all of the sudden the memories flooded back and completely overwhelmed me.  I remembered how excited Ali would get in the morning when she would see me peering over the crib rail.  She would smile this gigantic smile, kick her feet like crazy, and roll from side to side in her sling.  I could see her there. Oh how sweet it was to remember her. And ohhh how I missed her.  And the tears streamed down my cheeks as I remembered.  It lasted only a few minutes and then it was over. 

I hope and pray God will continue to help me slowly remember more and more, but I honestly understand why I can't always.  It would completely and totally consume me.

I think this grief is going to get harder for me before it gets easier.  As the numbness wears off, as the shock fades, and reality sets in, it is very painful at times.  And no I don't "have this"  It is only by God's grace that I am not consumed!

I also finally realized that grief is not something that I can check off on my to-do list.  This grief will be harder and easier at times, but it won't ever end on this side of eternity.  I have been forever changed by knowing my sweet daughter.  God has used her and her life to drastically mold me and shape me.  And I will always miss her until the day we meet again in heaven.