Halfwritten blog posts, ruptured eardrum, lost muffler, beach trip, and missing Ali

Yup its been a busy week and all that is just since Saturday.

We have been keeping very busy, unusually busy for us.  It is good, but I haven't been making the time to grieve.  Grieving isn't really convenient.  It wasn't in my plans for the summer. 

Writing is one of the best outlets for my grief, but it honestly feels selfish to take an hour or two of the day to pour out my heart into this blog.  I realize again today I need to and it isn't selfish.  If I don't face this grief now, if I don't make the time to work through it now, it will only get harder and more "inconvenient" later. But I am not one who enjoys emotions at all.  I would much rather avoid them.  But I am a woman, and I AM emotional, and I know from past experience it is much better to face those emotions head-on rather than just holding them all in until the pressure builds like volcano and erupts.  So I here I am again trying to do the hard work of grieving.

Back to the title of this post... I have had a terrible sore throat for a week.  And as it often happens for me, I began to lose my voice.  Then last weekend on top of the sore throat I got a bad sinus infection and a very painful earache.  My whole head was just throbbing.  Monday morning I woke up and the earache was gone, but I had blood in my ear, and I was pretty certain my eardrum had ruptured.  I made an appointment with the doctor, Ali's doctor for the afternoon.  This would be the first trip to the doctor's office without Ali.  I wasn't really ready to face this, but I did alright.  I had a new nurse, not either of my favorites, and I think it made it a bit easier this time.  I don't like all these firsts without my precious sweet Alegria.

As far as my ear, it was/is a mess. I don't remember having an ear infection this bad since I was a child.  The ear canal and ear drum were both very swollen and inflamed.  The doctor prescribed both oral antibiotics and ear drops for my ear.  Then we just talked for a little while. And I was once again very thankful for this great doctor God had brought into our lives.

On the way home from the pharmacy, I took a detour to price a gravestone for Ali.  Praise God I did because otherwise I would have been on the highway when I lost the muffler.  The muffler broke lose at the front of the van but was still attached at the back, making it even more dangerous probably if I had been driving 60-65 mph on the highway.  Instead I was crawling between stoplights at a only a few miles an hour.  I stopped at the next light and pulled into a church parking lot.  I went to call my dh to ask what to do when right at that moment my phone battery died.... ughh NOW what do I do???? As soon as I literally thought that thought, a kind handyman pulled up in a pickup pulling a trailer and asked "do you need a hanger?"  Well after he looked at it, he realized it was past a hanger and brought the sawsall instead :-D Thankfully he removed it though without any issue and I made it home safely. I am so thankful for the Good Samaritan Mr. Fix-It Man God placed at just the right place to help us. Praise God He has things under control even when I don't!!!

Last Saturday we headed up to Lake Michigan to our favorite beach (we went there for our honeymoon).  It was a perfect day for the beach, and we had a delightful time, but.... But Ali wasn't there.  And as we neared the beach it flooded over me briefly and gently yet powerfully.... we never got to take Ali to the beach.  And while we would and did have a great time, part of us was missing.  We had so many plans for this summer and they all included Ali.  I wanted Ali there with us at the beach.  I wanted her to get to explore the sand and feel it in her hand.  I wanted her to feel the waves lap up against her feet.  And oh how she would have enjoyed the sunshine.  I miss my Alibaby.

It is difficult to describe.  I don't really miss the past.  I don't long to go back.  What I do miss though is the future I thought I still had with Ali.  I want to make new memories with her.  I still want to watch her grow, develop, explore, and learn.  I want to see those beautiful eyes light up and that gorgeous smile fill the room.  I do look forward to that day when we will meet again.  God thank you for that beautiful girl who forever changed our lives.

Jill