Calm yet restless

Like so many days lately, I really feel the need to write a post for Ali's blog, but I really struggle trying to focus my scattered thoughts and I struggle to make myself sit and be still.  I have started about 50 different posts in my mind, but struggle to finish them, so I gave up trying to make this post an extremely polished, perfected message. It is more an honest, stream of thought, somewhat scatterbrained post instead :-D ....

Today I feel so calm and yet so restless.  I know that peace which passeth understanding.  I understand it ways I have never experienced it before.  Our great God continues to carry us through this painful trial.  But that doesn't mean He removes the grief, its just means it is different.  We do NOT grieve as those without hope.

It finally dawned on me today that the restlessness, the difficulty being still, the struggle to focus my attention, is all part of this process of grieving.  My grief right now doesn't look like what I expected.  The tears come, but not constantly, not as frequently as I would have thought.  But being still, now that is hard!  Feels like so much I need to be DOING. But yet I am struggling to focus on any task. I am fine as long as I keep busy. I don't think about things when I am busy.

We spent a couple days away from home this week and it was very nice.  I didn't feel the same burden to be doing something. I could rest and enjoy the time with family and friends.  I genuinely enjoyed the time talking and laughing with them.

At times, I honestly have to try to make myself think about Ali.  It is so bittersweet. I think it is my tendency to want to avoid the pain right now.  I keep trying to remind myself I can't remember my sweet Alegria if I do not permit myself to grieve also, to feel the pain. So I am working on framing and hanging all the pictures we had at the funeral. They make me remember.  So many beautiful photos which captured her personality so well.  I sure do miss that precious little girl.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude and humbled by the numerous cards, emails, and gifts we have received.  It is truly amazing to see how many lives Alegria touched.  We have been so blessed by the generosity of friends, family, and even strangers.  God continues to provide for our EVERY need.  I starting to try to work responding and writing thank you notes, but honestly it is one of things which is challenging for me right now.  Not at all because I'm not extremely thankful... it is simply just another area which is very challenging to gather my thoughts and focus right now.

Today I received an anonymous card from a stranger. The author identified themselves as a homeschool family in MI. Enclosed was a generous gift, the profits from a recent book sale. A sweet message from the momma (I assume) which closed with a "Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted." scribbled in a precious child's best handwriting...  This one definitely brought me to tears.

Thank you so much for continuing to lift us up in prayer!!! Thank you for all the notes, cards, comments, and encouragement.  They are priceless!

Jill