Today we found one of our 2 month old goat kids (Billy the Kid) dead in the barn.
I AM SICK OF DEATH. And I am really struggling today. I feel guilty and frustrated and sad and sick and completely overwhelmed.
Billy hadn't eaten much yesterday and I thought he might be bloated and had the children give him some baking soda. I had hoped he would be feeling better today; just like one of our other goats last week... but instead now he is dead.
I struggle with what else I should have done, maybe there was something I could have or should have done. But honestly the issues of the barn have been the furthest thing from my mind lately. I've been busy recuperating myself both physically and emotionally. And I've been busy taking care of a sweet little Ariel who is slowly but surely still recuperating from the stomach bug. And I know God had all of this too in His control.
But still I feel guilty and sad. I hate to see the tears welling up in my little girls' eyes again as they feel the sting of death yet once again. And I long for the day when there will be no more tears and no more pain. And I pray God have mercy on us... no more death please.
The life and death of this little goat are so insignificant compared to those of Ali and Taavi, and yet the death of this goat is just one more sting and it reminds me of those other far greater losses and it all just hurts.
Over the past years and especially this past month, I have been told numerous times by many friends that we have just suffered so much. It is so easy to fall into the trap of feeling as though no one can understand my great losses.
And yet in all of this, I am reminded of Job. Now my righteousness is but filthy rags and is in no way to be compared to this great man of faith. But just look at the example he has set for all us. IN ONE DAY he lost 7000! sheep, 3000! camels, 500 donkeys, AND ALL TEN OF HIS CHILDREN! IN ONE DAY he lost EVERYTHING!
And what was his response? HE FELL DOWN ON THE GROUND AND WORSHIPPED saying, "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:20 KJV
May God be pleased to make a righteous woman of faith. Lord daily remind me to trust You and cling to You amidst both the storm and the sunshine.
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Jill I know how you feel. Right after we lost Nathanael we lost a puppy and it about did me in. You have definitely suffered much but through it you have gained much as well. God bless you and our prayers are still going up for you all. WE miss you. Blessings, Dana
ReplyDeleteThis post echoed my thoughts earlier today. I have never felt so surrounded by death in my life as in the last year. Since last July we have been to 6 funerals, including our Lilly's. Several close friends have had miscarriages. I feel like every where I look I see something about death. I sometimes feel "life isn't even worth living." I try to think of my Lilly, and others, in heaven and so perfect and gloriously happy - I know I must just be patient until my time comes. Jill we are continuing to pray for your family. God bless you all and comfort you. May He give each of you peace and even understanding.
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