But I don't want to...

We recently listened to a Christian comedian named Mark Gunger. He spoke about the differences between how men and women think. He described men as having all their thoughts categorized in separate boxes. Women conversely have all of their thoughts intertwined like one big spool of wire joined together by emotion. Sometimes I think the way I am unconsciously coping with my grief is by attempting to take everything Ali and putting it neatly in a box separated from that big jumbled mess of intertwined wire. Because if I didn't, the grief would touch every other aspect of my life. The pain and raw emotions would flood into everything else. And I'm not sure I could cope.

But the problem is if I put everything Ali into a box, it includes all the memories too. And I desperately want to remember her. The other problem I know from experience is that it really isn't possible to contain those emotions. No matter how hard I try consciously or subconsciously to suppress them by boxing them up and tucking them away in the corner of the attic of my brain, they are still there and they DO seep out into everything else.

I was raised in a house full of mathematicians. We were taught logic was to drive our every thought. And that really left very little room for emotions.

I honestly HATE emotions. And I detest tears. They always seem so illogical... But I am still a woman, and by nature women ARE emotional.

This is the struggle I face. I DON'T want to hurt and I DON'T want to cry. There is never a time that is convenient or that it really fits into my schedule.

But still I must face this grief and all the tears and pain that go along with it.

Lord please help to be willing to work through these tough emotions. Help me to be brave enough to face them head on. And Lord give me the strength to do it.
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