The Hand of God - Part 1 - He Removes All Fears

I've wanted to write this post for a quite awhile now.  I've told many people different parts of this story, but still it has been hard to focus these thoughts into written words.  I've started it more than once, but it still isn't that easy to go back to those last days with Ali. This is the story of Alegria's final days.   This is not beginning of Alegria's story, nor it is the end of her story.  It is only the end of the beginning...

As a parent of a medically fragile, special needs child, you are always aware that the amount of time you will have with your child on this earth is likely to be far less than for what you hope.  Its not necessarily at the forefront of your mind, but still it always lingers there in the background.  Every time they are sick, you wonder... is this it? And even though you thoroughly trust in God's love and care for you and your precious child, its hard not to worry how it will all end.... Or at least that is how it was for me.

I worried that Ali would die while at home alone with me.  Would there be something I would miss in her care that would be the cause of her death? I worried that somehow humanly speaking it would be all my fault.  Would the doctors or other medical personnel think it was my fault, or even worse yet would my dear husband blame me?  Would our marriage survive this deep pain when many others end in divorce after the death of a child? I worried that Ali wouldn't receive the proper care at the end because we might face doctors who didn't realize how valuable her life truly was.  Would we be pressured to remove or withhold care from her?  Would I be able to cope with the immense pain that I would face? Would my husband?

The focus of this story really isn't all my fears though, it is about our kind, gentle, merciful God and His care for us during this most difficult trial.  After Ali died, it was so easy to see His Hand in all the details, even the little ones.  It seemed to me as though God said "I am going to take Ali and I know how terribly painful this going to be, but I am going to do this in the most gentle and merciful way possible."  He eliminated every single one of my fears! God in His grace and mercy allowed her to die at the hospital, in the PICU, the best human hands possible where we would KNOW we did everything possible for her.

Well maybe I should back up and start this story over....

To be continued...

Part Two