Rainbows

In the culture of grieving parents, the first baby born after the death of their sibling is typically called a rainbow baby. I think it is called this because with its arrival this new child brings with it such beauty and joy and hope and promise after the dark storm of grief.

In many ways Ariel was a rainbow baby to us. She wasn't born after Ali died but she was only 5 months old when Ali died. She brought such joy and hope and healing to this entire family amidst our grief. I also thought I had worked through the grief of losing Ali and was for the most part beyond it, and so I didn't anticipate all of the emotions tied to Alegria when this newest little rainbow arrived.

I did have a lot of fears surrounding this upcoming birth but I hadn't consciously acknowledged them all. Our last home birth with Ariel 2 1/2 years ago was one of my hardest recoveries because I had lost so much blood during delivery. I was scared what if this happened again...

And then 5 short months later, we buried Ali. And we grieved hard.

10 months after burying Ali we found out we were expecting again, and we were so excited... only to miscarry this child whom we named Taavi only a couple of weeks later... 

It was hard not to worry something bad would happen again with the birth of this newest blessing. We had suffered so much loss the past few years.

Thankfully Amarissa was born healthy and strong and her delivery went very well. The birth of this sweet rainbow has opened my eyes in a new way to the amazing blessings of new life. Her birth has also reminded me of the immense pain of the storm of death. It has helped me to realize that I have a lot of subconscious grief and unconquered fears which I still need to face.